Our first stop in Greenland is the coastal settlement of Ittoqqortoormiit (that’s a mouthful!) located on the mouth of Scoresby Sound. With its population a robust 345 and its location, it is considered the most remote settlement on Earth. We arrive at 1:00.

Amazingly, this small town of 345 inhabitants found the resources to build a football pitch on the outskirts of town. This pitch has the latest in astroturf technology and some guest stands that seat 345 people. If everyone is in attendance, who plays? It seems the answer is guests like us. If you opt out of playing, you must eat Musk Ox jerky. 

Udo, our expedition leader, decides to organize a match with cruise guests, crew, and a few locals. It is scheduled for late afternoon. Before the match, there are town highlights that we should experience, so we are told. First is the dog feeding at 1:45. Do we eat the dogs, I ask? I’m told it is a worth seeing and to defininitely bring my camera. Kathryn and I do the second important activity, see the church. It is in the center of town on the main drag, we can’t miss it they say. We didn’t miss it.

A church guard is present to protect us at the Danish National Evangelical Lutheran Church.

Three locals dressed in traditional garb.

It’s almost 1:45 and time for the dog feeding. I rush over to the dog feeding location, excited to see this tradition. As I arrive at the river, I am told that it is already done. It seems that time is not an important factor in the Ittoqqortoormiit way of life. It’s OK, the feeding consisted of pouring out some kibble in front of each dog. Photo worthy indeed!

This recently fed dog is a pure breed sled dog, called Greenland Dog. It is the only type of dog allowed in Greenland.

It’s still two hours until football time – we have enough time to walk up the primary hill in town. We walk around looking at houses, playing with puppies and viewing a Musk Ox hide.

Partial town view from a hilltop.

Musk Ox hide on a house. This is my first musk ox viewing.

Time is speeding along. We must to walk across town, up the hill, to the outskirts, and to the football pitch.

At the edge of town, perhaps the edge of civilization. [photo by Kathryn]

We get there at 3:45 to settle into watching the match when Udo asks me to play, “you want to play, ja?” When a large Bavarian “asks” you to play football, there is only one answer. I think, how often can one play football on a pitch in the remotest town in the world? So, I said ja. Mind you, I have never played before, not even in junior high school gym class. What posiiton do you play when you have no experience? In baseball it is right field. In football, it is goalie. I am now the goalie of the Ittoqqortoormiit team. I believe our team nick name is the Roaring Polar Bears or Mean Musk Oxen. I think it is the latter.

I get a red shirt (not a red card, at least not yet) and a glove and told to stand in goal. I know my job is to not let the soccer ball get by me. How hard can this be? The whistle blows and the game begins. Within a minute there are many players from the opposing team in front of me. Where is my defense? A local kid from town is on the opposing team. He kicks and I stick my hand out. Not even close, the ball is in the net, and we are down one to nil. I recover quickly and ask if there is a second stringer that can come in. Nope, I am their choice.

Within a minute there they are again, two kids from the opposing team. Another kick and I stick my hand out again. This time the ball hits my hand. Did you know that stopping a soccer ball when struck firmly hurts? It hurts a lot! Now I know why they gave me a glove. I guess I should have used that hand to stop the ball.  I come up with a great idea, can I have another glove – for the right hand? It turns out they only have gloves for the left hand. I’m really becoming a soccer expert.

I take the ball and roll it out to a teammate, just like I have seen on TV. I hear from the stands, good roll! How low is this? Anyway, the ball does not make it mid-field before it is stolen and there again are the two kids joined by our cruise director who is 6’ 2” and looked to have played professionally in a previous career. The ball is passed to him and het lets go a mighty kick. I stop it! He looks at me with newfound respect. I nearly pass out from the pain.

A couple minutes later I find myself in the same unenviable position, two opponents in front of me with my defense lost. Another pass and kick and I do the dumbest thing yet, I dive to stop the ball. I hit the turf with a thundering wump with my arm stretched out. My fingertip nicks the ball misdirecting it into the goal post.  Another save! And, to my surprise, a massive cheer erupts from the less than 345 fans in the audience.

A dive, maybe a belly flop. It’s a save none-the-less. [photo by Kathryn]

Udo left the game and was standing by the goal.  I think he was replaced by a Musk Ox. I make another save, this time off my arm. I am bruised head to toe. I ask him for a free massage (from the masseurs on board). “Ja, I give you massage or get back in goal!” I had a decision to make. Either a massage from Udo or torture myself back in goal. I smartly chose the torture.

Me on the left, Udo on the right. Would you accept the massage? [photo by Kathryn]

We have been playing for what seemed like an eternity without a whistle. Showing off my soccer knowledge, I ask the referee if we are in extra time. No, she says with a chuckle, we have only been playing for 5 minutes. I end up diving a couple more times, leap a couple of times, giving my entire body to the game.  We lose 4-0 but could easily have been 10-0.  All in all, not bad from a 63-year-old man who is out of shape and is wearing hiking boots.  There are congratulations all around. As we walk back to the cruise ship, I mentally plan for offers from Manchester United and Liverpool. It’ll be a tough choice.

P.S. that evening I can barely walk. The next morning my left knee has swollen to twice its size. My right hand is red and swollen.  I decide to stick with pickleball – soccer is a young person’s game.